At some level, everybody has a need for control. Control is power. Having it means you can influence outcomes and be sure of what will happen.
When we seek control, we seek certainty because the unknown can be scary. We want to feel more at ease, and we try to find this certainty through control.
While control is nice, trying to find or obtain it in situations where you just don’t have it can be quite harmful. Obsessing over this control and trying to stretch your power to get more can be detrimental.
The more we try to find it, the less certain we feel. Control becomes something that we must have to feel at ease. It’s then easy to slip into a pathological relationship with control.
A personal example
I write this post because this need for control is something I struggle with. Let me give you an example of how this has played out for me.
Recently, I was on a flight that hit some sharp turbulence. In this situation, I knew I was in no sort of control, so I just sat there peacefully and looked out the window despite being jolted back and forth miles above the ground.
When we landed, I wanted to fill up my water bottle before catching an Uber. I went over to the sketchy-looking water fountain and hesitated. As I pressed the button and the water began to trickle out, I thought to myself. “Is this water even clean or safe to drink?” I then proceeded to concern myself over the cleanliness of the water I was drinking for the next several hours.
I think this is a fascinating example. My plane being tossed about in the sky? I’m calm. Filling up my water bottle? I stress.
Why? Control!
Personally, I’m good at giving up control when I don’t have it, but I struggle with trying to optimize every variable when I find myself with a bit of control. This may be flipped or different for others, but the core idea is that the level of control we have can play a huge role in the way we feel.
Giving up the need for control
What’s the solution? To teach yourself to be okay with giving up control.
Here is how I am slowly working on doing that:
1) Trusting my habits
By building good habits, I can rest assured that my default actions are helpful. Thus, the places in which I do have control are optimized.
Minor deviations will happen, but my habits are stronger. For every sip of questionable airport fountain water, I take thousands of sips of water that’s confidently filtered!
2) Ditching the pursuit of perfection
Chasing total control is like a form of perfectionism. Instead of trying to wrestle and control it all, find a simpler solution that gets most of the job done.
For example, instead of trying to control every aspect of life that could affect my health, I focus on eating, sleeping, hydrating, and exercising. This way, I take care of the heavy hitters and try to worry about the minutiae less.
3) Delineation
Figuring out where I have control, where I do not, and how much I have helps me focus on what I can do while not concerning myself about the rest.
Understanding where I do not have control, I’ve found, is the first step to accepting it. From there, it’s easier to let go of the need for control in areas I don’t have it while nurturing what I have control over.
4) Deep breaths
In moments when I want control but can’t have it, taking a few deep breaths enables me to find peace despite the lack of control and certainty. It can be stressful, but I am often reminded that navigating that stress is ultimately the way toward peace.
The stress and discomfort that might result from wanting control is fleeting. When I slow down enough to sit and accept, I stop giving away my serenity to things that don’t deserve to control it.
Read these tips from MindBodyGreen for more helpful ideas!
Thank you for reading! Please share with others who may benefit! 🙂
